I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
