Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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