You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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