Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
