did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
