she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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