my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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