I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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