PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
