what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
