you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
