she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
