apparently the secret to your success is patron
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
