So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
