I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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