is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
