Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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