Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
