I'm laying in your front yard are you home
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
