I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
