Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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