I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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