when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
