My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
