nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
