soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
