did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize