My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
