the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
