guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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