remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
