Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
