pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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