New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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