I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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