I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
