Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
