Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
