Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
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