You're a womanizer and a bitch.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
