Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We just shotgunned beers for America
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
