we have pet lesbian snakes
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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