As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
