Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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