i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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