I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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