Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
They have beer where we have blood.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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