id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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