New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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