well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
