I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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