Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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