Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
