I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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