How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
