i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize