It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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