He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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