I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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