Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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