Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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