Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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