Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
