I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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